My mother or the stranger as she has now become,
the person i crave the most yet she is miles away…so much trust gone up in smoke she wasnt there yet she seems like she is the one who is hurting the most.
We used to talk be friends now i’m lucky if i get a smile let alone a visit, heck she’s only been to my house 3 or 4 times, she says she loves me but how do i know its true as she’s drunk when she says it, i cant bare to be near her at the minute as i want to scream and shout but i’ve done that before, it was in Nov last year.
She went to visit her mother the women who calls me a lier, the women who’s husband is a pedophile the women who insisted i was an imaginative evil child still to this day, my dead to me granddad was also there ( Frank he used to sign letters with thoe his name is Derek ) i was asked if i wanted to go i said no i couldn’t didn’t want to some part of me did but i wanted to rip his head off. For my mum it was a last plea i guess to her mother which i took on the chin but had expected my mum to at least talk to me afterwards which took me calling her 2weeks later asking why hadn’t she phone what had happened basically i was distraught screaming at her she had no answers refused to talk i ended up on the phone to my dad i am so hurt i trust no one i hate what is happening and that im destined to take stupid antidepressants been on them 16yrs so i see no way out.
I don’t care at the moment i hate my body i have Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) brought on by the trauma my granddad put through see i hate my breasts i blame him for them being an aa i hate them that much i have hurt them in the past and to be honest writing about all this ain’t easy.. i can feel myself clamming up so im going to go read a book for abit.
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